I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
