She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
