my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
