There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
