I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
This baby is an asshole
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i now understand why vodka
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
