If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
