You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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