I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
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She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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