I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
