I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
