I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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