he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
