Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
