are you still at the devil's house?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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