laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
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Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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