A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
