After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
