i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
