I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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