I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
