My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
