i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dear god my vagina.
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