hotel room ftw
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
