I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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