Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
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