Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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