They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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