i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
