apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
