Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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