Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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