That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
