yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
