don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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