my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
