took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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