WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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