I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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