Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
