I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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