He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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