i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
