Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Too much gin, very little bucket
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
