I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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