the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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