I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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