i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
do herpes really smell.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
