How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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