Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
