party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My penis needs a shock collar
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
