Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need to sanitize my soul.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
