she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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