wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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