Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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