my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
