I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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