my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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